Tag Archives: poetry

Look At You Drowning (365)

This one was particularly hard to do on many levels.

Look at this, it’s me, walking away.
Look at you drowning, on display.
Every time I’ve dropped by, I’ve tried to say
The water is rising.
You don’t want to stay.


Domino (365)

Another 365 picture. This one particularly abstract.

The words below it have only one real resonance for me. But they did also put me in mind of an evening into night long ago. Standing on a bridge looking into the Thames and talking to a lovely and very wise girl. Talking about my hopes and fears. She gave me a different perspective on this whole thing. I was able to hold that for a time but then over time I lost my grasp of it.
I don’t know why, I don’t know how
I thought I loved you, but I’m not sure now
I’ve seen you look at strangers too many times
A love-you-once is of a, a different kind

Remember when we felt the sun
A love like paradise, how hot it burned
A threat of distant thunder, the sky was red
And when you walked, you always – turned every head

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

I thought that when we fought I was to blame
But now I know you play a different game
I’ve watched you dance with danger, still wanting more
Add another number to the score

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

When you look around you wonder
Do you play to win?
Or are you just a bad loser?

I don’t know why, I don’t know how
I thought I loved you but I’m not sure now
I hear the thunder crashing, the sky is dark
And now a storm is breaking within my heart

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

For No Reason

Think of all the reasons you have to be happy
all the good that you have in your life.
This is said to me from time to time
Usually in the darkest of the dark times
When the depression and PTSD are
both doing their worst; the suicidal depths.

My dog is happy all the time it seems to me.
She has and needs no reason to be happy
She just is; full of the sheer joy of living.
I wish I could be happy for no reason
To not be required to think of them
That kind of happiness cant be taken away.

Hard to be Wonderful.

I still have all your letters and the other
bits and pieces.
They are few enough of course,
you weren’t a big one for writing
at least not to me, too busy
Communicating with lovers past
I suppose!

The thing is there is this one
that pinpoints the lie, The one
That pisses me off so much,
The lie in which it never happened
But there it is, talking about the thing
That “never happened”. Talking indeed
About it actually happening.
Strange that, maybe my paranoia
Is strong enough to imagine this
Letter into existence.

I could just get this letter out
for all to see; but really I can’t
I have this principle on that
inconvenient as that might be.
And yet somehow, and some way
I have to find a way to nail
this lie and all its effects.
The anger it causes, that too
which with no release or valve
always turns so devastatingly
inwards. A destructive force
Of course it makes me angry
You condemn me for my reaction
to painful events, things you didn’t
Put others through so of course
They are wonderful by compare
not having to bear that pain
That most intrusive of pains
I suppose it’s so much easier
to be wonderful when you’re
not sharing. In fact I seem
to remember I was seen as wonderful
until I had to deal with that shit
and all of its aftermath, but then
you were never good on cause and effect.
And then you say the event
That caused my reaction, never happened
Just far too unfair I’m afraid.
I’m falling apart. Pretty big time
Shouldn’t be here really but
The lines and the tubes and the care
Mean that I am. Fighting hard
Mainly for the sake of others
Not to go to that place again.

Come to think of it, there is
another lie. I even checked it out
with you being prepared to accept
the possibility of memory defect
being bonkers, as I am. It’s a lie
that should bother me more, would many
people that I know. It pisses me off
for sure. Just doesn’t grate as much
as the really big one does.

footnote (I published this before then deleted by mistake. I’ve changed the title)


Unusually for me I have extensively reworked the pice that was my previous post. To the point that it’s a new draft. Still quite rough and raw but I’ll probably stop fiddling with it now!

Well, I’ve always known you lie, some inconsequential
Some told in a moment of shattering consequence
I say always known, I mean nearly from first days at least
Held hostage to that very first lie, the one that really mattered,
that could have led down different paths
Hostage, yet blissfully unaware of that
Until the day you sprung the truth, that unnecessary truth
To rampage destructively through my life then
And through much of what was to come.

I know what many of those lies are, how they chime
I’ve heard them often enough over the years
In one way or another. I’ve learnt to live with them
How they make me feel, the sadness the effects on my life
The effects you dismiss as just one of those things.
But there is that one lie I’m tired of, so very
Tired of; and just will not have any more
That moment, that moment, oh that moment
That ripped so much from me, that destroyed so much
That changed so much then and disrupted
So very much of what was to come, that took my balance.
The pain, no not just pain, agony at times
Then that pretence that it did not happen, that lie
It happened, we both know it happened, can’t be helped now
But don’t pretend it is some sort of madness on my part
That moment that sent shock and after shocks through my life
(a neat analogy how the earth moved to often and too
Inappropriately, at the wrong time with the wrong people, then)
All that simply dismissed as some crazy figment of my mind
In order to ease your own path, no matter how unjust.
It’s easier to feel no responsibility or consequences for actions
For destroying something once beautiful, like pulling wings
From a butterfly, when you pretend it did not happen
Far simpler to apportion blame as if for random acts
To hurl accusation for all those consequential actions
For all that pain, for all the ongoing acts
When in your version, what caused it all never happened.

Dismissing all of those things with one cheap lie
Well, I say cheap but it’s cost me too much
And now I just won’t take that one anymore.
How I deal with that I don’t know for now, too hard
But I need to as part of the remedy for self destructive urge


“Time heals all wounds”
What a hollow platitude.
Total bollocks of course it is
Time just passes, no more.
Some wounds heal, some don’t
Time has fuck all to do with it.

It’s not really as simple as that!

“Can’t you just move on from all that
and just let it go, it was some time past”

My first thought is of course it’s a simple
choice thing you utter twat!
Well, obviously I could but where would be
the fun in doing that?
I enjoy the nightmares, the constant intrusion
of thoughts and images,why would I just let all
that go and simply move on. The anxiety?
The fear? The thoughts of not wanting to be?
It’s all such fun why would I just move on?
The scars. Those I can hide if needs be
those I don’t need to, being as they
are invisible unless you look very hard.
The insomnia, a right barrel of laughs
Unable to think, to process, the painful
hours longing for sleep even if, especially if
that sleep means never waking up again.
The follow on from all of that, waking
with a crowd around me and tubes and lines
and needles and stuff all over and those
whistles and bells chiming and pinging.
How we all laugh about that when all is done.

Of course I don’t say any of this, being brought up
proper and all that, with English reserve and stiff
upper lip!
“Well it’s not really as simple as that!!”