What do you do when your roots
Have dissolved and broken down
And the soil that you grew in when you were small
Has become nothing more than dirt in some dirty town
When you list all the qualities that you despise
And you realize you’re describing yourself
And breakin’ someone up inside
Is your only source of pride?
(Apologies to Hogarth et al)
I am about to take a short break. During which time I probably won’t post. But I will be using the time to write some difficult posts that need some thought to get them right. Difficult for a number of reasons including the fact they, largely, use someone else’s words. They will deal with a situation I have spoken about before on this blog and finally blow the lies of a lying person out of the water. The words of the other person are not just about disproving the lies. The say a lot about the person I need to debunk. Not just that, why it is they have this drive to lie about me.
These are not casual lies. They have had an effect on my life and relationships with people for too long. I am tired of that situation and no longer prepared to let it go. When someone is repeatedly unkind and offensive and dishonest with it there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. For self-respect as much as anything.
Difficult too because, by instinct, this isn’t the way I would choose to do it. In such a dramatic way. But when you try and try and no other option is left open to you, ultimately, you don’t have a choice.
But it’s not just that they won’t undo the lies they have already told. They go on to tell new lies to new people. As I say, there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand.
Even worse they turn to a friend for advice on how to deal with my reaction to their lies. Except they tell a pack of lies to that fiend too. So any advice is completely invalid. Leave alone the attitude that drives that advice is coming from. The sort of friend who back in the day thought the serial infidelity of the person I am talking about was all terribly amusing and a bit of a lark because we’re all having such great fun. Oh what a lark and jolly fun it was when this person picked up a random stranger in a bar, minutes later took them home and shagged them and then had to look in their wallet in the morning to find out their name. Oh those were the days! It’s not such much that behaviour I am criticising, just the fact it happened whilst they were in a relationship with me. So old-fashioned of me. It demonstrates an attitude to other people and honesty in general.
So, with reference to the image below. It is this that is so difficult when dealing with this type of person. The fact that they turn on you when challenged on their original offensive behaviour.
“How dare you tell me how I should act”. So they make you look like the bad person even if this involves gross lying. Usually they have got their warped version out there before you have told the truth because they rely on your natural tendency not to broadcast. This creates its own problem. Once people have been taken in by a lie they don’t want to see they have been. Because they will feel foolish to have been duped. So even when the truth is out there people don’t want to see it. So you become the bad person whilst the instigator carries on playing the victim and enjoying the sympathetic attention it brings. “Quite honestly I enjoyed the drama and being the centre of attention” was a comment made to me about this behaviour. Never mind that whilst your enjoying the drama you’re tearing someone’s life and sanity apart!
The other problem is that they turn to their friends for advice, having portrayed themselves as the victim of some awful injustice. Their friends give them advice to help with this terrible thing; but invariably the advice is actually wrong if not harmful to the overall situation. This is because it is based on a false situation. Like a computer, wrong information in, you get the wrong answer out.
Another big problem with this type of person. Once a lie has been believed, or worse repeated, by another person, in their head it then becomes absolute truth. They can’t be shaken from it no matter what is presented to them.
I took a blade and dug it deep into my flesh, watched the edges of the wound fall apart. Watched the blood fill the gaping gash and spill over and run. Felt the sharp sting and then the burning ache. All in an attempt to remember the other pain, the pain of you. In the hope it would make me forget you.
I seriously dislike liars. I dislike the effect they tend to have on other peoples’ lives. I dislike it in principle. I also dislike the direct effect it had had on me.
There is one individual who, in the past, told a whole series of lies about me. The effect of which was aided and abetted by the fact I chose to keep quiet at the time. I have never been happy about it but by and large I have learnt to live with it. There have been moments when I have wanted to publicly show the lies for what they are but I have always got through that and not done so. Even at times when circumstances have severely provoked me. Even when it has cost me friendship.
But, now, things have moved on. I find that not only are the same lies still being told by this person they have been tweaked a bit. They have become more poisonous. Not only that, they have been told to complete stangers. One can assume for no other reason than pure malice. Which is bad enough in itself and even worse when it goes on to eventually affect how those people treat you and behave towards you.
So what do you do in the face of this? Count to ten metaphorically and don’t knee-jerk? Well I’ve done that and I’m still mightily pissed off. Give them a chance to stop telling those lies? I think it needs more than that. I think they need to explain to people that the things they have said are not true. Having given them the chance to do that and nothing chanes, what do you do then? Lie down once more and allow them to continue the history of walking all over you and your peace of mind? Or blow the whole fucking thing apart and as publicly as possible expose the lies and provide the evidence that proves they are lies?
Yesterday, I had a truth confirmed. A very old truth. Well it’s always been true and remains true. Just that it happened a long time ago. I first heard it a long time ago. At the time I heard it, and ever since I suppose, I held on to a small thread of hope that it really wasn’t true. I think I needed that hope, however small, however unlikely in reality.
So now I’ve had it confirmed as true. I think I always supposed confirmation would make me very angry. It hasn’t. Beyond the frustration of intense disappointment. The realisation of something I have always thought of as having the potential to be especially beautiful could never have been. Was always destined to be spoilt. I do feel, however, overwhelming and devastating sadness. It is a sadness so vast, so total that there are no words big enough to describe it.
I feel absolutely full of an emotion too big to even describe, to big to stand up to, too huge to resist. And at the same time empty of spirit and will. Such a loss of the will that I thought was coming back. Everything is destined to become shit, even if it wasn’t at the beginning.
There is that saying that the past is a foreign country. If it is then it’s a foreign country able to powerfully invade the territory of the present.
Really, at the end of the day, what is the point? When everything is destined to be accompanied by such sadness.
This one was particularly hard to do on many levels.
Look at this, it’s me, walking away.
Look at you drowning, on display.
Every time I’ve dropped by, I’ve tried to say
The water is rising.
You don’t want to stay.
Posted in Mental Health, Photography, writing
Tagged depression, friendship, grief, guilt, memories, pain, poetry, Portraits, PTSD, regrets, self portrait, suicide, water