Tag Archives: music

F’s Progress.

What do you do when your roots
Have dissolved and broken down
And the soil that you grew in when you were small
Has become nothing more than dirt in some dirty town

When you list all the qualities that you despise
And you realize you’re describing yourself
And breakin’ someone up inside
Is your only source of pride?

(Apologies to Hogarth et al)

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Sweetness, I was only joking….(365)

I haven’t posted a picture from the 365 self portraits I did for sometime.

Like all of them, at the time I did it purely for myself. This one was a bit of an ironic joke to myself. There was a particular issue bothering me and then I listened to the Smiths’ song. Bigmouth Strikes Again.

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I’d like to smash every tooth
In your head

Oh … sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed

So, with the juxtaposition of the two things I shot this, as I say, meaning it to be an ironic joke. In fact, the thing that was bothering me was and is very far from funny. It centres round the lies of an ex that I have mentioned on here before. I was bothered that she had renewed her campaign of lies about me. Perhaps not renewed. I had just become aware again of an ongoing situation. The particular lies this addresses were the story she likes to put about that I used to beat her up. Two particular expressions come to mind. “He used to beat the crap out of me on several occasions.” and “He beat me to a pulp on more than one occasion”. These phrases paint a very specific picture. It just isn’t true. But it’s not a ver nice picture for someone to be painting. Especially to some of the people she involved. One of those people has since died. Before I had a chance to correct this picture. That saddens and angers me. Historically her lies have seriously impinged on long-term friendships. Which is also saddening and angering. Added to the additional sadness that these friends seem to have believed at least in part. There is also the issue that the liar was comfortable to say these things around these people.

I have attempted to address these lies with the person concerned. I have even cited these specific examples. She just says that she never said. (I know she did). You can’t even begin to deal with a person like that. Someone who knows that you know it is true they said them but just denies it. There is nowhere you can go forward from that. Although I do suspect that she no longer knows what is true or not. She has that ability, once a lie has been accepted or repeated, to believe it as absolute truth. She likes, also, to tell people I am totally crazy or mad. An easy target because, of course, I have had mental illness. But these are depression and PTSD. Crazy? At least I know what is true and what isn’t. It all calls into question a lot of other things. For instance, when we were going out she told me tales of abuse by a family member. I accepted this without question at the time but now I have to winder. More about that on a future blog.

There is another interesting thing. She threatened me, both directly and indirectly, with violence from her husband if I wrote things she didn’t like on my blog. Whether that actually bothers me is not the issue here. The issue is that SHE seems to think that violence is an option for her to use or threaten. It also implies very strongly that her husband is prone to aggression and violence. Under the circumstances quite an irony. I think that explains, to a degree, her need to demonise me.”Dark and dangerous” is also an expression she has used about me. Definitely a bit of projection going on there. This implication of his tendency is very much reinforced in documentary form from a different source on the web. A different but very damning source. I intend to use it in a future blog where I will deal with this catalogue of lies. It continues to affect my life and I have had enough of it. I will name and shame.

So, here is the ironic joke of a picture.

sweetness

The Final Straw

Now I don’t believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I’m putting up a fight. I’m putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. make it right. make it right.

final straw 3

Charlotte Sometimes.

The Cure. Paris! It seems so long ago and yet can seem like only yesterday. I saw them in Paris. Whilst visiting my friend I have mentioned a few times on this blog. She’s no longer with us. She’s in my mind a lot recently for reasons I mentioned a couple of posts back. We both loved the Cure, they were in Paris, I was visiting her in Paris. It would have been rude not to go to the gig! This is a beautiful song I think. We both thought that. We sang along at the gig. We sang it going home on the metro.

A short time later she was back in England and something happened that changed her life for ever. A few months earlier the first bomb that led to my PTSD had happened. But at this time I hadn’t noticeably shown any symptoms of PTSD; that was to come a few months further down the line. Then sometime further down the line my friend was dead as a direct result of her life changing event. In some ways that gig in Paris was the end of innocence. That’s not the right word but I can’t think of a better one.

It has not been a good time for me lately. The black dog has been scratching hard at the door. PTSD has very much shown it’s ugly face. I have been very preoccupied with the way my friend escaped from the loop of PTSD and how that seems to be the only real escape.

Today, ipod on shuffle, Charlotte Sometimes came up. Mostly, in my current frame of mind, I would have skipped it to save myself. Today I stuck with it. It is still a beautiful song. It is also a dark song. Within moments tears were indeed pouring down my face. For a very short time I was back in Paris in those innocent times. So many other images of so many other times. The lyrics bring out so many meanings and nuances for me that have nothing to do with the original meaning. Yet so much to do with my friend, her PTSD, my PTSD and how life has gone.

All the faces
All the voices blur
Change to one face
Change to one voice
Prepare yourself for bed
The light seems bright
And glares on white walls
All the sounds of
Charlotte sometimes
Into the night with
Charlotte sometimes

Night after night she lay alone in bed
Her eyes so open to the dark
The streets all looked so strange
They seemed so far away
But Charlotte did not cry

The people seemed so close
Playing expressionless games
The people seemed so close
So many other names

Sometimes I’m dreaming
Where all the other people dance
Sometimes I’m dreaming
Charlotte sometimes
Sometimes I’m dreaming
Expressionless the trance
Sometimes I’m dreaming
So many different names
Sometimes I’m dreaming
The sounds all stay the same
Sometimes I’m dreaming
She hopes to open shadowed eyes
On a different world
Come to me scared princess
Charlotte sometimes

On that bleak track
(see the sun is gone again)
The tears were pouring down her face
She was crying and crying for a girl
Who died so many years before

Sometimes I dream
Where all the other people dance
Sometimes I dream
Charlotte sometimes
Sometimes I dream
The sounds all stay the same
Sometimes I’m dreaming
There are so many different names
Sometimes I dream
Sometimes I dream

Charlotte sometimes crying for herself
Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself
But it’s always with love
With so much love it looks like
Everything else
Of Charlotte sometimes
So far away
Glass sealed and pretty
Charlotte sometimes

Walk Unafraid

Posted more with a sense of irony than anything else!

As the sun comes up, as the moon goes down
These heavy notions creep around
It makes me think, long ago
I was brought into this life a little lamb
A little lamb
Courageous, stumbling
Fearless was my middle name.
But somewhere there I lost my way
Everyone walks the same
Expecting me to step
The narrow path they’ve laid
They claim to
Walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.

Say “keep within the boundaries if you want to play.”
Say “contradiction only makes it harder.”
How can I be
What I want To be?
When all I want to do is strip away
These stilled constraints
And crush this charade
Shred this sad masquerade
I don’t need no persuading
I’ll trip, fall, pick myself up and
Walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.

If I have a bag of rocks to carry as I go
I just want to hold my head up high
I don’t care what I have to step over
I’m prepared to look you in the eye
Look me in the eye
And if you see familiarity
Then celebrate the contradiction
Help me when I fall to
Walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.
Walk unafraid
I’ll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.

Fascinating

An alternative to the “If there’s anybody out there won’t they throw me down a line 365 picture I posted some time ago.

I’ve latched on, I’ve been wrong
No one told me what to wear, no one sent me home
Space age party, fascinating, I just don’t fit in
Someone throw me anything, the oxygen is thin

If you just can’t speak to me, just throw me a line
Give me just a little nod, I could fascinate you

But I am out of place, float in outerspace
No one wants to pull me in its awful saving face
I could fascinate, I could serenade
I’m opinionated, I’ll have Vodka Lemonade

If you just can’t speak to me, just throw me a line
Give me just a little nod, you are fascinated

I could serenade
We could throw this party and take off on our own
Find our own higher place, an odessy back home

I could not be less included, you could not have known
In my darkest rose and pennant, I am so alone

If you just can’t speak to me, just throw me a line
Give me just a little nod, you are fascinated

I could serenade
I could fascinate you
I could resonate

Alligator_Aviator_Autopilot_Antimatter

Just sharing this song and video with you today. No particular reason, except I love the nonsense of it and also this blog has not been that chirpy recently!

I borrowed from it a bit for my bio on Twitter. It goes like “Erstwhile naval aviator; now an alligator climbing up the escalator, firefighter, photographer. Poet (which, ironically, doesn’t scan).” My life seems so much simpler in 140 characters or less.

This is one of the songs which, when I want to get myself a bit more upbeat I listen to loudly on wireless headphones and dance like no one is watching. However, more often than not someone is watching. Usually the kids with open mouths and incredulous looks on their faces. As I have said many times before, it is a parents duty to regularly embarrass their children so no problem there. My manic dachshund likes to join in. Meanwhile my not so manic beagle looks almost as non-plussed as the children.

This song also gives my OH the opportunity to pull my leg. I think she is amused by how much I get into music, especially bands I really like. The first time I played this when she was around I’d just played REM’s The Great Beyond. This includes the line “I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs”. She said, “All his lyrics are about animals moving up a level. He’s been taking the piss out of you for years”!

So, the video

I feel like an alligator
Climbing up the escalator
Climbing up the escalator
I feel strong

I feel like an aviator pilot
Bet you wouldn’t buy it
I’m feeling violent
Bet your bleeding eye in, turn up and fly it
Hey, hey, alligator, you’ve got a lot to learn
I have got, have got a lot to learn

I feel like an autopilot
I’m the world’s strongest island
I feel like a rage coming under my hood
I feel good and calm like a robot would

I feel like an autopilot
I feel like an autopilot
I am not a hater, hater, hater, hater, hater
Hey, hey, alligator, you’ve got a lot to learn
I have got, have got a lot to learn

I feel like a contradiction
I’m a walking science-fiction
I don’t know which way to turn
I’ve got a lot to burn
I’ve got a lot of lot to learn

If I didn’t like the way you stared at me
If I didn’t like the way you stared at me
I could knock sideways, I could knock you blind
I could show you found to the lost and find

I am not an agitator
I feel like an alligator
Climbing up the escalator
Hey, hey, alligator, you’ve got a lot to learn
I have got, have got a lot to learn

You’ve got so much to learn
You got a lot to learn