I haven’t posted a picture from the 365 self portraits I did for sometime.
Like all of them, at the time I did it purely for myself. This one was a bit of an ironic joke to myself. There was a particular issue bothering me and then I listened to the Smiths’ song. Bigmouth Strikes Again.
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I’d like to smash every tooth
In your head
Oh … sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed
So, with the juxtaposition of the two things I shot this, as I say, meaning it to be an ironic joke. In fact, the thing that was bothering me was and is very far from funny. It centres round the lies of an ex that I have mentioned on here before. I was bothered that she had renewed her campaign of lies about me. Perhaps not renewed. I had just become aware again of an ongoing situation. The particular lies this addresses were the story she likes to put about that I used to beat her up. Two particular expressions come to mind. “He used to beat the crap out of me on several occasions.” and “He beat me to a pulp on more than one occasion”. These phrases paint a very specific picture. It just isn’t true. But it’s not a ver nice picture for someone to be painting. Especially to some of the people she involved. One of those people has since died. Before I had a chance to correct this picture. That saddens and angers me. Historically her lies have seriously impinged on long-term friendships. Which is also saddening and angering. Added to the additional sadness that these friends seem to have believed at least in part. There is also the issue that the liar was comfortable to say these things around these people.
I have attempted to address these lies with the person concerned. I have even cited these specific examples. She just says that she never said. (I know she did). You can’t even begin to deal with a person like that. Someone who knows that you know it is true they said them but just denies it. There is nowhere you can go forward from that. Although I do suspect that she no longer knows what is true or not. She has that ability, once a lie has been accepted or repeated, to believe it as absolute truth. She likes, also, to tell people I am totally crazy or mad. An easy target because, of course, I have had mental illness. But these are depression and PTSD. Crazy? At least I know what is true and what isn’t. It all calls into question a lot of other things. For instance, when we were going out she told me tales of abuse by a family member. I accepted this without question at the time but now I have to winder. More about that on a future blog.
There is another interesting thing. She threatened me, both directly and indirectly, with violence from her husband if I wrote things she didn’t like on my blog. Whether that actually bothers me is not the issue here. The issue is that SHE seems to think that violence is an option for her to use or threaten. It also implies very strongly that her husband is prone to aggression and violence. Under the circumstances quite an irony. I think that explains, to a degree, her need to demonise me.”Dark and dangerous” is also an expression she has used about me. Definitely a bit of projection going on there. This implication of his tendency is very much reinforced in documentary form from a different source on the web. A different but very damning source. I intend to use it in a future blog where I will deal with this catalogue of lies. It continues to affect my life and I have had enough of it. I will name and shame.
So, here is the ironic joke of a picture.
Posted in Mental Health, Photography, Recovery from mental illness, writing
Tagged abuse, betrayal, depression, friendship, lies, memories, music, poetry, PTSD, relationships, self portrait, trust
I am about to take a short break. During which time I probably won’t post. But I will be using the time to write some difficult posts that need some thought to get them right. Difficult for a number of reasons including the fact they, largely, use someone else’s words. They will deal with a situation I have spoken about before on this blog and finally blow the lies of a lying person out of the water. The words of the other person are not just about disproving the lies. The say a lot about the person I need to debunk. Not just that, why it is they have this drive to lie about me.
These are not casual lies. They have had an effect on my life and relationships with people for too long. I am tired of that situation and no longer prepared to let it go. When someone is repeatedly unkind and offensive and dishonest with it there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. For self-respect as much as anything.
Difficult too because, by instinct, this isn’t the way I would choose to do it. In such a dramatic way. But when you try and try and no other option is left open to you, ultimately, you don’t have a choice.
But it’s not just that they won’t undo the lies they have already told. They go on to tell new lies to new people. As I say, there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand.
Even worse they turn to a friend for advice on how to deal with my reaction to their lies. Except they tell a pack of lies to that fiend too. So any advice is completely invalid. Leave alone the attitude that drives that advice is coming from. The sort of friend who back in the day thought the serial infidelity of the person I am talking about was all terribly amusing and a bit of a lark because we’re all having such great fun. Oh what a lark and jolly fun it was when this person picked up a random stranger in a bar, minutes later took them home and shagged them and then had to look in their wallet in the morning to find out their name. Oh those were the days! It’s not such much that behaviour I am criticising, just the fact it happened whilst they were in a relationship with me. So old-fashioned of me. It demonstrates an attitude to other people and honesty in general.
I seriously dislike liars. I dislike the effect they tend to have on other peoples’ lives. I dislike it in principle. I also dislike the direct effect it had had on me.
There is one individual who, in the past, told a whole series of lies about me. The effect of which was aided and abetted by the fact I chose to keep quiet at the time. I have never been happy about it but by and large I have learnt to live with it. There have been moments when I have wanted to publicly show the lies for what they are but I have always got through that and not done so. Even at times when circumstances have severely provoked me. Even when it has cost me friendship.
But, now, things have moved on. I find that not only are the same lies still being told by this person they have been tweaked a bit. They have become more poisonous. Not only that, they have been told to complete stangers. One can assume for no other reason than pure malice. Which is bad enough in itself and even worse when it goes on to eventually affect how those people treat you and behave towards you.
So what do you do in the face of this? Count to ten metaphorically and don’t knee-jerk? Well I’ve done that and I’m still mightily pissed off. Give them a chance to stop telling those lies? I think it needs more than that. I think they need to explain to people that the things they have said are not true. Having given them the chance to do that and nothing chanes, what do you do then? Lie down once more and allow them to continue the history of walking all over you and your peace of mind? Or blow the whole fucking thing apart and as publicly as possible expose the lies and provide the evidence that proves they are lies?
Another one from this group of pictures.
This picture. Oh dear, this picture.
I mentioned when I posted them as a group that when I did these photographs I was at a very low point of my illness. Very dark days indeed. I think the shot conveys some of that darkness
I didn’t set out to take this picture.I was in the area and then found myself outside these windows of a building that was being renovated. The shot isn’t so much about the windows but about the room behind a couple of them. Other parts of the building held happy memories for me. This room held, mostly, quite unhappy memories. They are memories of an extremely difficult time that could have been so different. Of a time, under huge stress, I wasn’t behaving totally rationally. A time when I held ridiculously optimistic hopes that things might change, that another person might change. That’s a stupid hope. You can’t change people by hope or will especially if their basic behaviour beforehand has been unreasonable. I acknowledge that some of my own behaviour in reaction to that was unreasonable. I lost my way. In this room I learnt of, what was in a way, the death of a child. I thought I got over that, I thought I moved on. A couple of years later the actions and outpourings of another person dragged it back. Even after that I thought I’d got over it. I don’t think deep down that I have. Many years later, and quite recently, some very offhand and uncaring comments showed that I haven’t. These throwawy comments made me very sad and their offhand nature actually made me quite angry.
This picture tells quite a tale.
Posted in Mental Health, Music, Photography
Tagged betrayal, depression, grief, guilt, infidelity, lies, memories, pain, trust
Now I don’t believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world is filled with the likes of you
Then I’m putting up a fight.
Make it right.
I was having a discussion with a friend about liars and how to deal with them. We weren’t talking about people who tell the odd white line (probably nearly everyone) but people who tell full on porkies. We were discussing which are harder to deal with. The people who know they are lying or those who seem to actually believe their own lies.
Those who know they are lying. Well, you may have a starting point for getting them to stop because at least they know it’s not true. Then again, they have made a conscious decision to lie so have a firm reason for doing so. Plus they have the emotional stake of admitting that they have been lying. Maybe not so easy to get them to admit it or stop.
Those who believe their own lies. How do you even begin to persuade them to stop if they actually believe what they’re saying. I suppose you can confront them with evidence.
Then there is the tendency of both types when confronted by what they have said and done. They just say “I didn’t do that” or “I didn’t say that” when asked. it becomes a head banging against the wall exercise!
I have been having to deal with someone who fits a third category. Someone who is a mixture. That is, they seem to know some of their lies are lies but others they appear to completely believe. My Oh has said she feels this person is a fantasist in some ways. Which suprised me as my OH very much tends to give people the benefit of the doubt. She says that some of the things this person claims to have happened are convoluted but just seem to be not quite right to have actually happened. I don’t know how to even begin dealing with that.
Lies about me tend to enrage me. I think this is true for most people but I don’t know if I feel it more strongly than most. I do know that lies of others have had profound effects on my life at various points; maybe that’s why it gets to me so much. On some of the bigger lies I sometimes think it’s better just to rely on the common sense of people to see it’s a lie. Even if they don’t say so or challenge it. But I also think it’s a problem not to challenge it. It tends to confirm it in the mind of the liar. There are occasion, something I feel strong currently, that I just want to draw up a list of the most significant lies and detail a public rebuttal of them.