Tag Archives: infidelity

F’s Progress.

What do you do when your roots
Have dissolved and broken down
And the soil that you grew in when you were small
Has become nothing more than dirt in some dirty town

When you list all the qualities that you despise
And you realize you’re describing yourself
And breakin’ someone up inside
Is your only source of pride?

(Apologies to Hogarth et al)

Lying Like A Hairy Egg!

I am about to take a short break. During which time I probably won’t post. But I will be using the time to write some difficult posts that need some thought to get them right. Difficult for a number of reasons including the fact they, largely, use someone else’s words. They will deal with a situation I have spoken about before on this blog and finally blow the lies of a lying person out of the water. The words of the other person are not just about disproving the lies. The say a lot about the person I need to debunk. Not just that, why it is they have this drive to lie about me.

These are not casual lies. They have had an effect on my life and relationships with people for too long. I am tired of that situation and no longer prepared to let it go. When someone is repeatedly unkind and offensive and dishonest with it there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. For self-respect as much as anything.

Difficult too because, by instinct, this isn’t the way I would choose to do it. In such a dramatic way. But when you try and try and no other option is left open to you, ultimately, you don’t have a choice.

But it’s not just that they won’t undo the lies they have already told. They go on to tell new lies to new people. As I say, there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand.
Even worse they turn to a friend for advice on how to deal with my reaction to their lies. Except they tell a pack of lies to that fiend too. So any advice is completely invalid. Leave alone the attitude that drives that advice is coming from. The sort of friend who back in the day thought the serial infidelity of the person I am talking about was all terribly amusing and a bit of a lark because we’re all having such great fun. Oh what a lark and jolly fun it was when this person picked up a random stranger in a bar, minutes later took them home and shagged them and then had to look in their wallet in the morning to find out their name. Oh those were the days! It’s not such much that behaviour I am criticising, just the fact it happened whilst they were in a relationship with me. So old-fashioned of me. It demonstrates an attitude to other people and honesty in general.

Sociopath-Empath-Apath Triad

So, with reference to the image below. It is this that is so difficult when dealing with this type of person. The fact that they turn on you when challenged on their original offensive behaviour.
“How dare you tell me how I should act”. So they make you look like the bad person even if this involves gross lying. Usually they have got their warped version out there before you have told the truth because they rely on your natural tendency not to broadcast. This creates its own problem. Once people have been taken in by a lie they don’t want to see they have been. Because they will feel foolish to have been duped. So even when the truth is out there people don’t want to see it. So you become the bad person whilst the instigator carries on playing the victim and enjoying the sympathetic attention it brings. “Quite honestly I enjoyed the drama and being the centre of attention” was a comment made to me about this behaviour. Never mind that whilst your enjoying the drama you’re tearing someone’s life and sanity apart!

The other problem is that they turn to their friends for advice, having portrayed themselves as the victim of some awful injustice. Their friends give them advice to help with this terrible thing; but invariably the advice is actually wrong if not harmful to the overall situation. This is because it is based on a false situation. Like a computer, wrong information in, you get the wrong answer out.

Another big problem with this type of person. Once a lie has been believed, or worse repeated, by another person, in their head it then becomes absolute truth. They can’t be shaken from it no matter what is presented to them.

sociopath

The Final Straw

Now I don’t believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I’m putting up a fight. I’m putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. make it right. make it right.

final straw 3

Domino (365)

Another 365 picture. This one particularly abstract.

The words below it have only one real resonance for me. But they did also put me in mind of an evening into night long ago. Standing on a bridge looking into the Thames and talking to a lovely and very wise girl. Talking about my hopes and fears. She gave me a different perspective on this whole thing. I was able to hold that for a time but then over time I lost my grasp of it.
domino
I don’t know why, I don’t know how
I thought I loved you, but I’m not sure now
I’ve seen you look at strangers too many times
A love-you-once is of a, a different kind

Remember when we felt the sun
A love like paradise, how hot it burned
A threat of distant thunder, the sky was red
And when you walked, you always – turned every head

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

I thought that when we fought I was to blame
But now I know you play a different game
I’ve watched you dance with danger, still wanting more
Add another number to the score

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

When you look around you wonder
Do you play to win?
Or are you just a bad loser?

I don’t know why, I don’t know how
I thought I loved you but I’m not sure now
I hear the thunder crashing, the sky is dark
And now a storm is breaking within my heart

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

Image

Understand Now?

doyou

Hard to be Wonderful.

I still have all your letters and the other
bits and pieces.
They are few enough of course,
you weren’t a big one for writing
at least not to me, too busy
Communicating with lovers past
I suppose!

The thing is there is this one
that pinpoints the lie, The one
That pisses me off so much,
The lie in which it never happened
But there it is, talking about the thing
That “never happened”. Talking indeed
About it actually happening.
Strange that, maybe my paranoia
Is strong enough to imagine this
Letter into existence.

I could just get this letter out
for all to see; but really I can’t
I have this principle on that
inconvenient as that might be.
And yet somehow, and some way
I have to find a way to nail
this lie and all its effects.
The anger it causes, that too
which with no release or valve
always turns so devastatingly
inwards. A destructive force
Of course it makes me angry
You condemn me for my reaction
to painful events, things you didn’t
Put others through so of course
They are wonderful by compare
not having to bear that pain
That most intrusive of pains
I suppose it’s so much easier
to be wonderful when you’re
not sharing. In fact I seem
to remember I was seen as wonderful
until I had to deal with that shit
and all of its aftermath, but then
you were never good on cause and effect.
And then you say the event
That caused my reaction, never happened
Just far too unfair I’m afraid.
I’m falling apart. Pretty big time
Shouldn’t be here really but
The lines and the tubes and the care
Mean that I am. Fighting hard
Mainly for the sake of others
Not to go to that place again.

Come to think of it, there is
another lie. I even checked it out
with you being prepared to accept
the possibility of memory defect
being bonkers, as I am. It’s a lie
that should bother me more, would many
people that I know. It pisses me off
for sure. Just doesn’t grate as much
as the really big one does.

footnote (I published this before then deleted by mistake. I’ve changed the title)