Tag Archives: friendship

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“Never Let Me Go.” In Memoriam K

Yesterday I spoke for the first time ever about something that happened some years ago. About something that happened to a very dear friend. Something awful, beyond awful; carried out by people I can only describe as evil personified. For lots of reason I’m not going to go into detail here. I was involved in the immediate aftermath of this awful event and spent several days shut up with my friend. That was awful too. It has been suggested that I have vicarious trauma because of this.

Talking about it was hard. To do so for the first time after these years, I suppose it was always going to be. To talk about brings up the emotions from that time but also images of it all in my head. Some of the are too upsetting to contemplate for too long. There were only three people who knew exactly what happened to my friend in all the detail. My friend of course; she’s no longer with us. Life became too hard for hr and she left us. Her sister knew too and she left us through illness a couple of years ago. And me. Whilst her sister was alive, in some ways it felt like a burden shared even through we never discussed the actual event in detail. It now feels like a burden that is all mine and it has become time to deal with it.

Right now I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. It was a hard thing to do, to talk about it.

Very much in my mind at the moment is “Never let me go” a song by Florence and the Machine. Video and lyrics below.

Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

And it’s peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under all

And it’s breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Though the pressure’s hard to take
It’s the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all

And it’s breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

And it’s over
And I’m going under
But I’m not giving up
I’m just giving in

I’m slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet

And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Deliver me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Deliver me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Deliver me
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go
Never let me go

And it’s over
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
And I’m going under
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
But I’m not giving up
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
I’m just giving in
(Never let me go, Never let me go)

I’m slipping underneath
(Never let me go, Never let me go)
So cold and so sweet
(Never let me go, Never let me go)

Lying Like A Hairy Egg!

I am about to take a short break. During which time I probably won’t post. But I will be using the time to write some difficult posts that need some thought to get them right. Difficult for a number of reasons including the fact they, largely, use someone else’s words. They will deal with a situation I have spoken about before on this blog and finally blow the lies of a lying person out of the water. The words of the other person are not just about disproving the lies. The say a lot about the person I need to debunk. Not just that, why it is they have this drive to lie about me.

These are not casual lies. They have had an effect on my life and relationships with people for too long. I am tired of that situation and no longer prepared to let it go. When someone is repeatedly unkind and offensive and dishonest with it there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. For self-respect as much as anything.

Difficult too because, by instinct, this isn’t the way I would choose to do it. In such a dramatic way. But when you try and try and no other option is left open to you, ultimately, you don’t have a choice.

But it’s not just that they won’t undo the lies they have already told. They go on to tell new lies to new people. As I say, there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand.
Even worse they turn to a friend for advice on how to deal with my reaction to their lies. Except they tell a pack of lies to that fiend too. So any advice is completely invalid. Leave alone the attitude that drives that advice is coming from. The sort of friend who back in the day thought the serial infidelity of the person I am talking about was all terribly amusing and a bit of a lark because we’re all having such great fun. Oh what a lark and jolly fun it was when this person picked up a random stranger in a bar, minutes later took them home and shagged them and then had to look in their wallet in the morning to find out their name. Oh those were the days! It’s not such much that behaviour I am criticising, just the fact it happened whilst they were in a relationship with me. So old-fashioned of me. It demonstrates an attitude to other people and honesty in general.

Sociopath-Empath-Apath Triad

So, with reference to the image below. It is this that is so difficult when dealing with this type of person. The fact that they turn on you when challenged on their original offensive behaviour.
“How dare you tell me how I should act”. So they make you look like the bad person even if this involves gross lying. Usually they have got their warped version out there before you have told the truth because they rely on your natural tendency not to broadcast. This creates its own problem. Once people have been taken in by a lie they don’t want to see they have been. Because they will feel foolish to have been duped. So even when the truth is out there people don’t want to see it. So you become the bad person whilst the instigator carries on playing the victim and enjoying the sympathetic attention it brings. “Quite honestly I enjoyed the drama and being the centre of attention” was a comment made to me about this behaviour. Never mind that whilst your enjoying the drama you’re tearing someone’s life and sanity apart!

The other problem is that they turn to their friends for advice, having portrayed themselves as the victim of some awful injustice. Their friends give them advice to help with this terrible thing; but invariably the advice is actually wrong if not harmful to the overall situation. This is because it is based on a false situation. Like a computer, wrong information in, you get the wrong answer out.

Another big problem with this type of person. Once a lie has been believed, or worse repeated, by another person, in their head it then becomes absolute truth. They can’t be shaken from it no matter what is presented to them.

sociopath

The Final Straw

Now I don’t believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I’m putting up a fight. I’m putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. make it right. make it right.

final straw 3

Lies, Damn Lies and Malice. Some Thoughts

I seriously dislike liars. I dislike the effect they tend to have on other peoples’ lives. I dislike it in principle. I also dislike the direct effect it had had on me.

There is one individual who, in the past, told a whole series of lies about me. The effect of which was aided and abetted by the fact I chose to keep quiet at the time. I have never been happy about it but by and large I have learnt to live with it. There have been moments when I have wanted to publicly show the lies for what they are but I have always got through that and not done so. Even at times when circumstances have severely provoked me. Even when it has cost me friendship.

But, now, things have moved on. I find that not only are the same lies still being told by this person they have been tweaked a bit. They have become more poisonous. Not only that, they have been told to complete stangers. One can assume for no other reason than pure malice. Which is bad enough in itself and even worse when it goes on to eventually affect how those people treat you and behave towards you.

So what do you do in the face of this? Count to ten metaphorically and don’t knee-jerk? Well I’ve done that and I’m still mightily pissed off. Give them a chance to stop telling those lies? I think it needs more than that. I think they need to explain to people that the things they have said are not true. Having given them the chance to do that and nothing chanes, what do you do then? Lie down once more and allow them to continue the history of walking all over you and your peace of mind? Or blow the whole fucking thing apart and as publicly as possible expose the lies and provide the evidence that proves they are lies?

Letter Never Sent (2)*

Dearest Kit Kat
It seems the longer you’ve been gone the more I miss you. It’s strange isn’t it? We’re heading up to your anniversary and that’s always a time you’re in my thoughts. Even more these past couple of years than ever before I think. All the time Sarah was around, however distant, I felt there was a link with you. Now she’s gone too and it seems to make missing you that bit harder. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her either.

I think I know why you didn’t say it but it’s hard at times you know. I haven’t been to that place, the place it happened for many years. Perhaps I should. I have many other memories of it as well of course. Some of them we spoke about. Including sitting on a cliff in a huge storm and thinking about letting myself go. That was before I even met you but so close to where you eventually went. I don’t know exactly how close; no one knows your exact spot. But it was so very close to where you were found. Can I go? I don’t know but I think I should try.

I’ve always thought you went because you were too broken to be repaired. I’m not the only one who thought that. I started to think very much there was a message in that for me. Recently I’ve been made to question if that was really true. You’ll remember Lucy, your sister’s great love. (The love that made her despair that real, true love could ever really end in love). Well she called me and we spoke. Well it was more a question of her doing most of the talking. One of the things she said is that we can never know that a mind is broken beyond repair. I’m not sure I agree. It feels that I’ll never be fixed. But she made me think. It’s almost harder though than what I’ve always believed. The thought that you could have been fixed. You’ll know anyway the pain I have wondering if you might have been fixed if different things had happened straight afternoon, well you know what.

I’m struggling with the issue of goodbyes at the moment. I think, if I’m going to sort things out in a more positive way I’m going to have to say a goodbye to you. Which feels a bit strange as I was expecting to say hello to you very soon. That’s still not out of the question. I have it in mind that I need to go to Paris if I do say goodbye. To find a way to resolve it all. I still feel that’s the heart of the happy you. I do wonder if part of your essence is still under that walnut tree. I associate time and place with people so much. I always have.

I have told people recently that I have a sense that you are talking to me. I still have that sense but I’m trying to work out now if I’m getting the message right. Trying to work out if the message is actually trying to set me on a harder course than I had thought or wished.

You might like this quote someone said to me recently It’s strange and wonderful how you meet someone who changes you so completely that you can’t imagine how you ever lived without them. That’s why people have a hard time letting go of the person they love. That person is a part of you. How do you say goodbye to your heart?

Say hello or wave goodbye. That’s a conundrum I’ve had before.

With my love

G

* never sent because there is no address to send it to.