What do you do when your roots
Have dissolved and broken down
And the soil that you grew in when you were small
Has become nothing more than dirt in some dirty town
When you list all the qualities that you despise
And you realize you’re describing yourself
And breakin’ someone up inside
Is your only source of pride?
(Apologies to Hogarth et al)
I haven’t posted a picture from the 365 self portraits I did for sometime.
Like all of them, at the time I did it purely for myself. This one was a bit of an ironic joke to myself. There was a particular issue bothering me and then I listened to the Smiths’ song. Bigmouth Strikes Again.
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I’d like to smash every tooth
In your head
Oh … sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed
So, with the juxtaposition of the two things I shot this, as I say, meaning it to be an ironic joke. In fact, the thing that was bothering me was and is very far from funny. It centres round the lies of an ex that I have mentioned on here before. I was bothered that she had renewed her campaign of lies about me. Perhaps not renewed. I had just become aware again of an ongoing situation. The particular lies this addresses were the story she likes to put about that I used to beat her up. Two particular expressions come to mind. “He used to beat the crap out of me on several occasions.” and “He beat me to a pulp on more than one occasion”. These phrases paint a very specific picture. It just isn’t true. But it’s not a ver nice picture for someone to be painting. Especially to some of the people she involved. One of those people has since died. Before I had a chance to correct this picture. That saddens and angers me. Historically her lies have seriously impinged on long-term friendships. Which is also saddening and angering. Added to the additional sadness that these friends seem to have believed at least in part. There is also the issue that the liar was comfortable to say these things around these people.
I have attempted to address these lies with the person concerned. I have even cited these specific examples. She just says that she never said. (I know she did). You can’t even begin to deal with a person like that. Someone who knows that you know it is true they said them but just denies it. There is nowhere you can go forward from that. Although I do suspect that she no longer knows what is true or not. She has that ability, once a lie has been accepted or repeated, to believe it as absolute truth. She likes, also, to tell people I am totally crazy or mad. An easy target because, of course, I have had mental illness. But these are depression and PTSD. Crazy? At least I know what is true and what isn’t. It all calls into question a lot of other things. For instance, when we were going out she told me tales of abuse by a family member. I accepted this without question at the time but now I have to winder. More about that on a future blog.
There is another interesting thing. She threatened me, both directly and indirectly, with violence from her husband if I wrote things she didn’t like on my blog. Whether that actually bothers me is not the issue here. The issue is that SHE seems to think that violence is an option for her to use or threaten. It also implies very strongly that her husband is prone to aggression and violence. Under the circumstances quite an irony. I think that explains, to a degree, her need to demonise me.”Dark and dangerous” is also an expression she has used about me. Definitely a bit of projection going on there. This implication of his tendency is very much reinforced in documentary form from a different source on the web. A different but very damning source. I intend to use it in a future blog where I will deal with this catalogue of lies. It continues to affect my life and I have had enough of it. I will name and shame.
So, here is the ironic joke of a picture.
Posted in Mental Health, Photography, Recovery from mental illness, writing
Tagged abuse, betrayal, depression, friendship, lies, memories, music, poetry, PTSD, relationships, self portrait, trust
I am about to take a short break. During which time I probably won’t post. But I will be using the time to write some difficult posts that need some thought to get them right. Difficult for a number of reasons including the fact they, largely, use someone else’s words. They will deal with a situation I have spoken about before on this blog and finally blow the lies of a lying person out of the water. The words of the other person are not just about disproving the lies. The say a lot about the person I need to debunk. Not just that, why it is they have this drive to lie about me.
These are not casual lies. They have had an effect on my life and relationships with people for too long. I am tired of that situation and no longer prepared to let it go. When someone is repeatedly unkind and offensive and dishonest with it there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand. For self-respect as much as anything.
Difficult too because, by instinct, this isn’t the way I would choose to do it. In such a dramatic way. But when you try and try and no other option is left open to you, ultimately, you don’t have a choice.
But it’s not just that they won’t undo the lies they have already told. They go on to tell new lies to new people. As I say, there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand.
Even worse they turn to a friend for advice on how to deal with my reaction to their lies. Except they tell a pack of lies to that fiend too. So any advice is completely invalid. Leave alone the attitude that drives that advice is coming from. The sort of friend who back in the day thought the serial infidelity of the person I am talking about was all terribly amusing and a bit of a lark because we’re all having such great fun. Oh what a lark and jolly fun it was when this person picked up a random stranger in a bar, minutes later took them home and shagged them and then had to look in their wallet in the morning to find out their name. Oh those were the days! It’s not such much that behaviour I am criticising, just the fact it happened whilst they were in a relationship with me. So old-fashioned of me. It demonstrates an attitude to other people and honesty in general.
So, with reference to the image below. It is this that is so difficult when dealing with this type of person. The fact that they turn on you when challenged on their original offensive behaviour.
“How dare you tell me how I should act”. So they make you look like the bad person even if this involves gross lying. Usually they have got their warped version out there before you have told the truth because they rely on your natural tendency not to broadcast. This creates its own problem. Once people have been taken in by a lie they don’t want to see they have been. Because they will feel foolish to have been duped. So even when the truth is out there people don’t want to see it. So you become the bad person whilst the instigator carries on playing the victim and enjoying the sympathetic attention it brings. “Quite honestly I enjoyed the drama and being the centre of attention” was a comment made to me about this behaviour. Never mind that whilst your enjoying the drama you’re tearing someone’s life and sanity apart!
The other problem is that they turn to their friends for advice, having portrayed themselves as the victim of some awful injustice. Their friends give them advice to help with this terrible thing; but invariably the advice is actually wrong if not harmful to the overall situation. This is because it is based on a false situation. Like a computer, wrong information in, you get the wrong answer out.
Another big problem with this type of person. Once a lie has been believed, or worse repeated, by another person, in their head it then becomes absolute truth. They can’t be shaken from it no matter what is presented to them.
I am posting the screenshot below because it rang so many bells for me. Such an accurate description. Add to that the trick of lying to portray the victim as the abuser and you have the perfect picture.
Now I don’t believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I’m putting up a fight. I’m putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. make it right. make it right.
Posted in Mental Health, Photography, writing
Tagged betrayal, depression, friendship, grief, infidelity, memories, music, self harm, self portrait
I seriously dislike liars. I dislike the effect they tend to have on other peoples’ lives. I dislike it in principle. I also dislike the direct effect it had had on me.
There is one individual who, in the past, told a whole series of lies about me. The effect of which was aided and abetted by the fact I chose to keep quiet at the time. I have never been happy about it but by and large I have learnt to live with it. There have been moments when I have wanted to publicly show the lies for what they are but I have always got through that and not done so. Even at times when circumstances have severely provoked me. Even when it has cost me friendship.
But, now, things have moved on. I find that not only are the same lies still being told by this person they have been tweaked a bit. They have become more poisonous. Not only that, they have been told to complete stangers. One can assume for no other reason than pure malice. Which is bad enough in itself and even worse when it goes on to eventually affect how those people treat you and behave towards you.
So what do you do in the face of this? Count to ten metaphorically and don’t knee-jerk? Well I’ve done that and I’m still mightily pissed off. Give them a chance to stop telling those lies? I think it needs more than that. I think they need to explain to people that the things they have said are not true. Having given them the chance to do that and nothing chanes, what do you do then? Lie down once more and allow them to continue the history of walking all over you and your peace of mind? Or blow the whole fucking thing apart and as publicly as possible expose the lies and provide the evidence that proves they are lies?