Category Archives: Photography

Sweetness, I was only joking….(365)

I haven’t posted a picture from the 365 self portraits I did for sometime.

Like all of them, at the time I did it purely for myself. This one was a bit of an ironic joke to myself. There was a particular issue bothering me and then I listened to the Smiths’ song. Bigmouth Strikes Again.

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I’d like to smash every tooth
In your head

Oh … sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed

So, with the juxtaposition of the two things I shot this, as I say, meaning it to be an ironic joke. In fact, the thing that was bothering me was and is very far from funny. It centres round the lies of an ex that I have mentioned on here before. I was bothered that she had renewed her campaign of lies about me. Perhaps not renewed. I had just become aware again of an ongoing situation. The particular lies this addresses were the story she likes to put about that I used to beat her up. Two particular expressions come to mind. “He used to beat the crap out of me on several occasions.” and “He beat me to a pulp on more than one occasion”. These phrases paint a very specific picture. It just isn’t true. But it’s not a ver nice picture for someone to be painting. Especially to some of the people she involved. One of those people has since died. Before I had a chance to correct this picture. That saddens and angers me. Historically her lies have seriously impinged on long-term friendships. Which is also saddening and angering. Added to the additional sadness that these friends seem to have believed at least in part. There is also the issue that the liar was comfortable to say these things around these people.

I have attempted to address these lies with the person concerned. I have even cited these specific examples. She just says that she never said. (I know she did). You can’t even begin to deal with a person like that. Someone who knows that you know it is true they said them but just denies it. There is nowhere you can go forward from that. Although I do suspect that she no longer knows what is true or not. She has that ability, once a lie has been accepted or repeated, to believe it as absolute truth. She likes, also, to tell people I am totally crazy or mad. An easy target because, of course, I have had mental illness. But these are depression and PTSD. Crazy? At least I know what is true and what isn’t. It all calls into question a lot of other things. For instance, when we were going out she told me tales of abuse by a family member. I accepted this without question at the time but now I have to winder. More about that on a future blog.

There is another interesting thing. She threatened me, both directly and indirectly, with violence from her husband if I wrote things she didn’t like on my blog. Whether that actually bothers me is not the issue here. The issue is that SHE seems to think that violence is an option for her to use or threaten. It also implies very strongly that her husband is prone to aggression and violence. Under the circumstances quite an irony. I think that explains, to a degree, her need to demonise me.”Dark and dangerous” is also an expression she has used about me. Definitely a bit of projection going on there. This implication of his tendency is very much reinforced in documentary form from a different source on the web. A different but very damning source. I intend to use it in a future blog where I will deal with this catalogue of lies. It continues to affect my life and I have had enough of it. I will name and shame.

So, here is the ironic joke of a picture.

sweetness

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The Final Straw

Now I don’t believe and I never did
That two wrongs make a right.
If the world were filled with the likes of you
Then I’m putting up a fight. I’m putting up a fight.
Putting up a fight. make it right. make it right.

final straw 3

Look At You Drowning (365)

This one was particularly hard to do on many levels.

Look at this, it’s me, walking away.
Look at you drowning, on display.
Every time I’ve dropped by, I’ve tried to say
The water is rising.
You don’t want to stay.
wa2

Domino (365)

Another 365 picture. This one particularly abstract.

The words below it have only one real resonance for me. But they did also put me in mind of an evening into night long ago. Standing on a bridge looking into the Thames and talking to a lovely and very wise girl. Talking about my hopes and fears. She gave me a different perspective on this whole thing. I was able to hold that for a time but then over time I lost my grasp of it.
domino
I don’t know why, I don’t know how
I thought I loved you, but I’m not sure now
I’ve seen you look at strangers too many times
A love-you-once is of a, a different kind

Remember when we felt the sun
A love like paradise, how hot it burned
A threat of distant thunder, the sky was red
And when you walked, you always – turned every head

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

I thought that when we fought I was to blame
But now I know you play a different game
I’ve watched you dance with danger, still wanting more
Add another number to the score

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

When you look around you wonder
Do you play to win?
Or are you just a bad loser?

I don’t know why, I don’t know how
I thought I loved you but I’m not sure now
I hear the thunder crashing, the sky is dark
And now a storm is breaking within my heart

Watch them all fall down
Domino dancing
Watch them all fall down
domino dancing

Take Your Pills (365)

Another from 365 project

Hey now, take your pills and
Hey now, make your breakfast
Hey now, comb your hair and off to work

This picture was taken on the day I went back to work after a very long year off with illness. The words are taken from a song by REM called Uberlin. They seemed very appropritae. The album was playing as I got ready.

The song also has the words

I will make it through the day
And then the day becomes the night
I will make it through the night

These are appropriate too. There were many times when I was ill that this was a kind of mantra that kept me going. It still is in very dark days. Making through life one bit at a time avoiding taking negative action to stop it. I am reminded it was how I felt during the end of my time in the navy. During a time when I was suffering from ever deepening depression, was suicidal and was receiving absolutely no treatment. It became an ordeal in just keeping myself going, one day, one sleepless night, at a time until perhaps I might be able to make things better.

ub

Tunnels and Light

Worse than there being no light at the end of the tunnel, is seeing that light and knowing you will never quite get there.

tunnel

Blood on my hands. (365)

Another picture from the 365 project.

I remember my emotions and thoughts when I took this one very clearly.

The expression blood on my hands has a very specific meaning for most people. In part that is what this picture expresses. It has other elements too. There is the obvious reference to my own self injuries. There is also a link to one of the incidents behind my PTSD. At that incident I got blood from a few people on my hands. Also my own blood. It wasn’t until I was cleaning up that I noticed a number of cuts on my hands. That led to further ongoing situations.

Above all it refers to the accepted meaning of the phrase. To my thoughts and emotions about a beautiful woman and a beautiful friend. There was a time when I literally had her blood on my hands. A time of great trauma for her. She died some time later. Whether by deliberate design or through reckless lack of regard for the consequences of what she was doing. I increasingly think that ambiguity was deliberate on her part. To spare those who loved her the certainty that she had taken her own life. I always have this feeling that if I had acted differently during that traumatic time things may have turned out differently for her. People tell me I did enough. Sometimes I believe them but there is always that nagging thought at the back of my mind that I didn’t. Other times I just tell myself they would say that anyway out of kindness. There is always that inescapable feeling of blood on my hands.

(nb, there is no real blood in this photograph)

bomh