Once there was a great storm
Pushed my head beneath the waves
I was gone.
On this date, several years ago, a young woman took a boat out to sea and didn’t return. I have spoken about her before on this blog but I always mark this day in some way. I still miss her very much.
She almost certainly intended to die. The inquest verdict was misadventure but, knowing her past and the state of her mind, it is almost certain the she knew she was taking herself to her end. It was possible she was reckless but she was experienced with boats so she knew the likely outcome of taking a boat out at night in the particular part of the coast she chose to and in the weather at the time. She was in incredible emotional pain (physical pain too actually) and it does seem with the distance of time that she could only end that pain in this way.
We were incredibly close and had a bond that is difficult to describe. People frequently ask if we were in love. We were not in the sense that people are asking; the sense of a romantic relationship. It was never like that. Gender (and all other connotations) was completely irrelevant to out friendship. But we were very close and we loved each other hugely.
Despite the fact that she probably took her own life I have never lost the sense that she was actually killed by what some people had done to her a couple of years before. A truly awful and evil act. I have only ever told one person the full account of what happened to her and that was part of a therapy process to try to overcome long standing difficulties I had with the whole thing. I will almost certainly never recount the whole thing again. The fact is that following this awful event I was the only person with her for three days and nights. So she and I were the only people that knew the full awful story (and possibly her twin sister who died just over four years ago). I have felt terribly alone and burdened with this unexpressed knowledge. As well as beating myself up with a feeling I didn’t do the right things or I didn’t do enough. I have managed to move on quite a long way with that because of the counselling and therapy. I still have moments when guilt raises its ugly head but it is far better than it was. I still feel a massive sadness and I have not fully grieved for her.
Over the past few years I have found a new friendship with an acquaintance who was also a huge, very close, friend to both of the twins. Ironically that friendship came about by a very circuitous route and despite interference from someone trying to prevent it. I think it has been comforting for both of us because of the shared common bond.
There is another recent unexpected twist of friendship associated with this. Recently I was away from home having physical rehab following spinal surgery. It also gave me the opportunity to have a bit of a top up of psychological therapy. Whilst there I spent some time talking with another person there for therapy. I found myself telling her something of what happened to my friend. It wasn’t planned and I took myself by surprise. It isn’t something I would normally do with someone I had recently met. Because of this we found we had some common ground and it has led to a new and important friendship. Strange how the universe guides us sometimes. We spoke of synchronicity; there was quite a lot.
During the top up sessions I talked with the counsellor of how, now her twin sister has also died, that I like to think of them reunited somewhere. There energy enjoying the close bond they had somewhere. Somewhere out there I will raise a glass to you tonight K and S. Always remembered with huge love.