Yesterday was an odd day for me. It was the anniversary of a trip to hospital and with my tendency to remember anniversaries it was never going to pass without notice. I say a trip. That makes it sound voluntary. It definitely wasn’t.
It was a bitterly cold day. I remember I had dressed for the cold and thinking with black humour that I wouldn’t want to catch a cold or anything! But I also remember starting to feel an indefinable warmth coming over me. I was falling asleep and that in itself was a warm feeling. A welcome embracing of loss of awareness and pain.
Then, through this sleepy state I was aware of a flurry of activity around me. Hands on me, then people calling me name. Unfamiliar voices. “How do they know my name” a vague thought in the sleepiness. Being moved, lifted, slid. Again people calling my name, loud, right by my ear. Knuckles pressing hard on my sternum. “They want me to wake. It’s ok, I’m happy to sleep, it’s ok that I don’t wake up”. Awareness of sudden sharp pains in my wrists and up my arms. More shouting, more sternum pressing. Becoming less and less aware. That’s good. Soon they won’t wake me at all. Something going into my mouth and throat. “Oh, I don’t like that”. Then more sleep. A vague awareness of sirens and movement. “Oh I’m in the vehicle that has the sirens. That’s odd I must be at work”. Then just dark sleep.
Waking. Creeping re-awareness. No that’s not right. I can’t be waking up. Aware of voices, quiet but busy around me at first. Then increasing awareness. Opening my eyes. Bright lights above me. There’s some sort of machine near by making a really fucking annoying series of pinging and ringing noises. Tubes and needles and wires stuck all over me. A pile of clothes, cut open on a chair nearby. “Oh, they are my clothes. That would have been interesting!” A figure comes into focus nearby. In blue hospital scrubs.
This can’t be right. I’m awake, I’m in hospital. I attempt to move but I really can’t. Without realising I start to cry. A nurses hand gently on my arm. “It’s ok. Don’t worry” she says. She moves to make eye contact and talks. I don’t really hear what she says but her tone is soothing and caring.
And so that was it really. Transferred to a ward for a few days. One nurse or another constantly sitting by me and coming with me whenever I moved. A bit tedious but I understand why.
I also have to say that all the staff I had contact with those days were brilliant. Kind, compassionate, empathetic and very considerate of other personal issues.