Yesterday, I had a truth confirmed. A very old truth. Well it’s always been true and remains true. Just that it happened a long time ago. I first heard it a long time ago. At the time I heard it, and ever since I suppose, I held on to a small thread of hope that it really wasn’t true. I think I needed that hope, however small, however unlikely in reality.
So now I’ve had it confirmed as true. I think I always supposed confirmation would make me very angry. It hasn’t. Beyond the frustration of intense disappointment. The realisation of something I have always thought of as having the potential to be especially beautiful could never have been. Was always destined to be spoilt. I do feel, however, overwhelming and devastating sadness. It is a sadness so vast, so total that there are no words big enough to describe it.
I feel absolutely full of an emotion too big to even describe, to big to stand up to, too huge to resist. And at the same time empty of spirit and will. Such a loss of the will that I thought was coming back. Everything is destined to become shit, even if it wasn’t at the beginning.
There is that saying that the past is a foreign country. If it is then it’s a foreign country able to powerfully invade the territory of the present.
Really, at the end of the day, what is the point? When everything is destined to be accompanied by such sadness.