Dearest Kit Kat
It seems the longer you’ve been gone the more I miss you. It’s strange isn’t it? We’re heading up to your anniversary and that’s always a time you’re in my thoughts. Even more these past couple of years than ever before I think. All the time Sarah was around, however distant, I felt there was a link with you. Now she’s gone too and it seems to make missing you that bit harder. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her either.
I think I know why you didn’t say it but it’s hard at times you know. I haven’t been to that place, the place it happened for many years. Perhaps I should. I have many other memories of it as well of course. Some of them we spoke about. Including sitting on a cliff in a huge storm and thinking about letting myself go. That was before I even met you but so close to where you eventually went. I don’t know exactly how close; no one knows your exact spot. But it was so very close to where you were found. Can I go? I don’t know but I think I should try.
I’ve always thought you went because you were too broken to be repaired. I’m not the only one who thought that. I started to think very much there was a message in that for me. Recently I’ve been made to question if that was really true. You’ll remember Lucy, your sister’s great love. (The love that made her despair that real, true love could ever really end in love). Well she called me and we spoke. Well it was more a question of her doing most of the talking. One of the things she said is that we can never know that a mind is broken beyond repair. I’m not sure I agree. It feels that I’ll never be fixed. But she made me think. It’s almost harder though than what I’ve always believed. The thought that you could have been fixed. You’ll know anyway the pain I have wondering if you might have been fixed if different things had happened straight afternoon, well you know what.
I’m struggling with the issue of goodbyes at the moment. I think, if I’m going to sort things out in a more positive way I’m going to have to say a goodbye to you. Which feels a bit strange as I was expecting to say hello to you very soon. That’s still not out of the question. I have it in mind that I need to go to Paris if I do say goodbye. To find a way to resolve it all. I still feel that’s the heart of the happy you. I do wonder if part of your essence is still under that walnut tree. I associate time and place with people so much. I always have.
I have told people recently that I have a sense that you are talking to me. I still have that sense but I’m trying to work out now if I’m getting the message right. Trying to work out if the message is actually trying to set me on a harder course than I had thought or wished.
You might like this quote someone said to me recently It’s strange and wonderful how you meet someone who changes you so completely that you can’t imagine how you ever lived without them. That’s why people have a hard time letting go of the person they love. That person is a part of you. How do you say goodbye to your heart?
Say hello or wave goodbye. That’s a conundrum I’ve had before.
With my love
* never sent because there is no address to send it to.