Blood on my hands. (365)

Another picture from the 365 project.

I remember my emotions and thoughts when I took this one very clearly.

The expression blood on my hands has a very specific meaning for most people. In part that is what this picture expresses. It has other elements too. There is the obvious reference to my own self injuries. There is also a link to one of the incidents behind my PTSD. At that incident I got blood from a few people on my hands. Also my own blood. It wasn’t until I was cleaning up that I noticed a number of cuts on my hands. That led to further ongoing situations.

Above all it refers to the accepted meaning of the phrase. To my thoughts and emotions about a beautiful woman and a beautiful friend. There was a time when I literally had her blood on my hands. A time of great trauma for her. She died some time later. Whether by deliberate design or through reckless lack of regard for the consequences of what she was doing. I increasingly think that ambiguity was deliberate on her part. To spare those who loved her the certainty that she had taken her own life. I always have this feeling that if I had acted differently during that traumatic time things may have turned out differently for her. People tell me I did enough. Sometimes I believe them but there is always that nagging thought at the back of my mind that I didn’t. Other times I just tell myself they would say that anyway out of kindness. There is always that inescapable feeling of blood on my hands.

(nb, there is no real blood in this photograph)



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