I am so unbelievably and unremittingly tired. Physically tired, of course, I nearly always am. That is an obvious consequence of this grinding and seemingly never ending insomnia. I had minors relief from that during my absence from work and general time out. I was given medication to make me sleep. Even so I didn’t really sleep in nothing like. Normal way or a normal amount. On the odd night under medication I got some sleep but only a few hours. Whatever it is that keeps me awake is stronger than the drugs.
I can just about cope with that physical tiredness. It’s not pleasant but I’ve got used to it. It’s the emotional exhaustion that is doing for me. An insurmountable fatigue. It’s like a solid wall in front of me I can’t see any top to. I am tired of the sudden waves of emotion that suddenly well up to inescapable levels and overwhelm me. I am tired of histories I think I have a handle on, that I think are moving on and are improving but stay unmoving in a quagmire of confusion and misunderstanding. I am tired of the dreams, the intrusive thoughts, the nightmares when I do sleep. I am exhausted by the misrepresentations etc. I am tired of the fact that nothing ever seems to end well. I am tired of the fact that love and friendship so often seem to be an illusion or a deceit.
I am just too tired.