Illness, anger and frustration.

I’m ill again with PTSD. To point I am off work again. To say I am pissed off with this is an understatement. I am angry on about a million different levels.

I am angry merely at the fact of it of course. I really believed I would never be at this point again. Which in itself is depressing so you can add a fair mix of depression into the equation too.

I am angry too about unnecessary things that have brought me to this point. A ridiculous stressful situation that, quite simply doesn’t need to exist. That stressful situation has been racked up considerably over the past week along with the seethe-making frustration of not being properly listened to. That stress has lowered my “immunity” so to speak and hence PTSD is triggered.

Below is posted I response I made in reply to someone on Facebook. It sums some things up pretty well for me.

“I am to a degree beating myself up. I am annoyed with myself for being ill to this point with PTSD again. However much of the anger is directed outwards. It is because of what you mention Val. That has put me under huge stress and there is no doubt that has very much contributed to triggering a relapse of PTSD. It makes me angry because it’s unnecessary. It’s based on a distinction which is basically non-existent and therefore makes no sense. When you explain this “distinction” to the person in the street so to speak they say it blatantly makes no sense because there is no distinction. So yes, I’m pissed of because it has brought me to this point. Also because my PTSD was caused by an event at work where, in part, systems just did not work. I have described this before in my blog. There is no dispute it was caused by work. Additionally people who are as ill as I became at my worst just don’t return to work. They are “invalided” out with accompanying compensation. I didn’t want that, it’s not me. But to get back to work from the position where I was no longer a functioning human being, let alone capable of work took an incredible amount of fucking hard and very painful work. And some help and faith from people to whom I will be eternally grateful. That’s why it makes me so incredibly angry now, that I have been fucked up all over again by something so incredibly stupid and a large dose of ridiculous inflexibility. That’s all a bit ranty isn’t it. That’s PTSD for you!”

As a footnote to this. Today somebody said to me “You’ve been though enough shit. Stop bending over backwards to get back to work. Leave because of the ill health your work caused and let them take the consequence”. Sitting here now, that seems a viable option.

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