There is a river, a red river, it runs down my arm
Not much of a show really, I expected it to be more
It’s bright red, loads of oxygen there but it’s tired
It doesn’t need to find the back roads back to my heart.
I’m tired too, the chemical help, not enough really,
but just enough to feel that warm glow of possible sleep.
There are songs going through my head, how very odd!
Suicide Blonde “my song”, ironic to think of that now
I never understood that one especially given what we were doing
and now I’ll never know, not that matters very much
it’s just odd the things that you think at times like these.
On a day like today, that is lurking there too,
saying what I want to say about not being able to say
what I want to say. Oh, hello, all this and heaven too.
Is there really a heaven, it’s really a bit too late for
all that to be or not to be crap, so fuck off Hamlet
with your “too, too sullied flesh” and “whether ’tis nobler
in the mind” load of old arty farty bollocks.
(With regret, I hereby withdraw my application to be a
Sunday Times literary reviewer)
It’s not an intellectual exercise or some romantic
dissolving of the body and pain with it but a fight
against a body that through millennia of evolution
has an over-riding will to stay alive at all costs.
And now this red river is dropping into a much bigger,
much older river. Interesting how it looks mixed in the water
Should have brought a camera, never have one at times like this.
The water is dark, seems almost black from an oblique angle
I’ve never been particularly good with water I can’t see into
“Scared of swimming in the sea, dark shapes moving under me”
It’s cold too this water, I know that it’s very cold indeed
and angry too after a long, bleak winter. I know how it feels!
And, yet. And yet it is strangely inviting, almost offering
a warm embrace, a return to the womb. Now I’m at it
I’m coming out with all of the arty farty bollocks.
I know someone who has been pretty much along this route
I can see her in my mind, I can hear her voice, too long!
Finally, finally a communion of sorts.