It’s not really as simple as that!

“Can’t you just move on from all that
and just let it go, it was some time past”

My first thought is of course it’s a simple
choice thing you utter twat!
Well, obviously I could but where would be
the fun in doing that?
I enjoy the nightmares, the constant intrusion
of thoughts and images,why would I just let all
that go and simply move on. The anxiety?
The fear? The thoughts of not wanting to be?
It’s all such fun why would I just move on?
The scars. Those I can hide if needs be
those I don’t need to, being as they
are invisible unless you look very hard.
The insomnia, a right barrel of laughs
Unable to think, to process, the painful
hours longing for sleep even if, especially if
that sleep means never waking up again.
The follow on from all of that, waking
with a crowd around me and tubes and lines
and needles and stuff all over and those
whistles and bells chiming and pinging.
How we all laugh about that when all is done.

Of course I don’t say any of this, being brought up
proper and all that, with English reserve and stiff
upper lip!
“Well it’s not really as simple as that!!”

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4 responses to “It’s not really as simple as that!

  1. It’s a long, hard, slog, but it’s worth it. Some days. Other days I wonder why I bothered making the choice, but those days are diminishing. Yes, I made the “simple” choice, and 2.5 years later I’ve made it out. The only black dog in my life is my boyfriend’s labrador. I’m not saying it’s easy, especially with clinical depression, but it really is all about making that choice. Not what you want to hear on a day like today; I really do appreciate that. The number of times I yelled “how do you F***ing THINK I feel?” at nursing staff is uncounted but remembered by all. It took a long time for all the anger to go away and for me to really listen to what people were trying to tell me; how people were trying to help me. I just want to give you some tiny hope on a dark day. It can be done by making that choice. Is today going to be a good day or a bad day? it’s up to you; it’s just your brain trying to kid you otherwise that makes it difficult. Good luck.

  2. Thanks for your comment Stacey. I do understand what you’re saying. I actually thought I was better. I have had PTSD for quite some time. I ended up where I have been recently because it feels as if it’s going to be a never-ending cycle. I had a friend who dealt with it in her way; I often think it was the right way. I have written about that previously on this blog.

  3. fightingthestigma

    Just want to say love your blog.

    Fiona ( @FionaArt)

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