Looking back

So, it’s that New Year time again. A time when it seems it’s traditional to reflect on the year gone and look forward to the time to come. me being me, my tendency is more to look back. I ended the year on something of a mood slump heading more towards the depressed part of the spectrum. Nothing I can’t deal withand in part I know the cause. Hard to be festive in the festive period when you feel like that. Not happy about it (obviously!) but I’ll get through it.

One significant thing about 2012. It was my first full calendar year back at work after my illness. That might not seem like such a big thing. However, during the very dark days of my illness it certainly seemed, and was predicted, that I might never come back to work again. Most certainly not in my current role. So in the last year I have been exposed to the usual stressful situations and managed perfectly well. Above all I have enjoyed it.

There was one significant event, a meeting, that stands out during the year. A meeting I had waited quite some time for. about that, and the outcome, I am more ambivalent. I have posted about this meeting and the background to it previously on the blog. So why the ambivalence. I suppose with the distance of some time having passed i have a more objective view of it. I still very much feel that it was useful and productive. We put a lot of things to bed and I’m very much more comfortable with things from the past now. What I am not so comfortable with is the effect that still has on the present. It remains my view that, as I said at the time, there was a large degree of lip service from her at the time. I also said at the time that I was suprised how quickly we slipped into being able to be relaxed with each other despite the fact at times we were talking about difficult things. And that there was a lot of laughter. I thought it was significant. From her perspective there seems to be no acknowledgement it even happened in that way. There is still a need to demonise me for reasons I don’t begin to understand. Part of that process, it seems, is to wipe anything positive from the slate. It hurts me and it’s unfair and more importantly it has an effect on my life in the present. One other thing I remembered was a veiled threat of violence by someone on her behalf if in future I said something she didn’t like. It’s ridiculous and not actually frightening. It is, however, incredibly ironic as she likes to portray me as intimidating and provocative. With the distance and balance of a bit of time some other things stand out for me. One of those is the offhand way she dismissed quite significant things. Basically an admission that she had used, played and deceived me at various times coloured by an attitude that it was just unfortunate. When the conversation was over it was perfectly ok to just drop me even if i still had something to say. I use conversation and having something to say largely metaphorically. Then there are the untruths and misleading impressions that are still actively out there and still have a deep effect on my life in the present. I really don’t like that and have a strong need to deal with it. I previously removed quite large parts of this blog and amended others. As I said at the time this was because I had gone about telling things in the wrong way. Some of what I said was done in an unfair and unhelpful way. However it remains part of the story and a truer account that some of the false impressions. Part of my challenge now is to find a way to retell that story in a better way. I do have to be fair to others. But I also have to be fair to myself and I think it’s reasonable to expect others to be fair to me. So overall there was a benefit to the meeting but, as often the case with me, every silver lining has a cloud.

Some friends have died during the course of the past year. The death of friends and contemporaries seems to provide a more relevant reminder of mortality these days. Still, the overriding emotion is of sadness. I learnt of the death of one friend after the event and in less than ideal circumstances. I have found this far more difficult than I expected. I no longer know anyone else that knew her and I have found this lack of connection strangely hard to deal with. That’s not quite true. I know one person who knew her but can not talk with her properly about it precisely because of what I talked about above. So frustrating, hard and unfair. It makes me angry, probably more angry than it should. Her death has also reminded me of the death of her sister. The has been a renewed difficulty for me. She died by drowning (almost certainly by her own choice though this was never officially established) after an unhappy time. Reprocessing all the events has been hard work.

My short term goal now, not so much a resolution, is now to get a grip on the slump in mood. The other stuff feels largely out of my control.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s