The Trial

Being a bit busy on the blog at the moment. It’s that sort of time

This is a more recent “poem” but as raw as some of the others. From its tone it may seem that I’m not moving on at all. But I am. Part of moving on is letting the emotion have space to breathe.

One thing I’m finding difficult currently. I did to my long ago ex exactly what I accused her of doing with me. I demonised her and that became my reference point; almost my always carried security blanket. The meeting the other day showed this to be wrong. She’s just an ordinary person going on her way the same as the rest of us. In reality, a better person than most with plenty of compassion and empathy; the characteristics I denied the demonised version of her. Losing that reference point is a hard adjustment. I remembered a story from many years ago. A memory I’ve always had but suppressed to a large degree. I think it’s a safe story to tell. It was after we’d reached a point when the relationship was dead from her point of view. I was still not coming to terms with this in any real sense. I was feeling very alone and very low. It was my birthday, or immediately after, and although I was supposedly a big grown up it was adding to my feeling of desolate aloneness. As I said in my previous post I equated being with her as being away from all of that. Late Friday afternoon I took a train from Cornwall to London just wanting to see her and not thinking through anything else. By the time I got to London it was late evening and I had nothing prepared. I slept on the street that night. I was already looking pretty awful because I was ill but I think a night on the street must have meant I looked a total state! In the morning I went and waited outside her work hoping to see her, not knowing if she was due into work that morning anyway. But she came strolling along the street. She saw me. She had plenty of reason to be pretty fed up and angry with me. The first thing she said was “God, you look fucking awful”. Which obviously I did. But it was actually said in a kind concerned way. She took me by the arm, sat me down in the office and made me a cup of tea and talked with me kindly and gently. None of which she had to do and which obviously made life uncomfortable for her. An act of compassion that was more about her personality than the demonised version of her I built. I’m not saying she made no mistakes, dear reader. I’m saying I suppressed some of these more positive memories of her because the pain of the mistakes was overriding. There is another thing occurs to me that follows on from this. She was kind to me and in my very confused, ill and untreated state of depression mind, this meant that everything was ok again. It’s possible, I think, that this made it difficult for her to be too kind to me in future. That one is too complex a psychological question for me. I said to her that now we we had met I’d have nothing to live for. It was a joke of course. Maybe there is a little truth in the sentiment behind it. Maybe I did fixate. Oh well, stamp collecting and train spotting here I come!

Anyway, on to the point this post. The poem.

‘I was testing you
feeling as I did
unworthy of love’
and i get that
i really do
it being
the same albatross
i’ve carried all
my life.
you can’t possibly
love me.
and here’s some
reasons why
to test you out.
manifested in a
different way with me
but two sides of the
same coin.
the rescuer
needing to be
rescued.
but when you test
to breaking point
who is to blame
the breaker
or the broken
is it fair to
hold a grudge?

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6 responses to “The Trial

  1. Samantha Ritchie

    Is writing about it helping?

    • I believe so Sam. I am getting out exactly what I feel. In doing so I really hope I don’t overstep the mark as I did before. To add to that, Sam I really was in a bad way on Monday evening to a degree I didn’t expect. You know things are bad when you’re half cut and your drug and alcohol counnsellor OH arrives home and takes you out for a drink!

  2. Samantha Ritchie

    I’m sure you won’t because you don’t need to. But I suppose you have to be sure. Thinking of you.

  3. Samantha Ritchie

    And you have a pretty amazing OH, by the way!

  4. Samantha Ritchie

    I think you owe her a drink!

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