We spend our lives looking for the teeth that match our wounds.
Today I found those teeth. Which sounds like a very negative thing but it was not. Far from it. If I continue the analogy then my wounds are going to bleed again for a time and right now I feel some pain from them. But it is bleeding and pain from surgery. Which is a good thing. Once that heals then a repair job has been done.
The temporary opening of the wounds does hurt now as I say. But that was an expected outcome. There are some new regrets but they will change as I process them. There is a slight process of thinking that some things might have happened in a different way and then x or y might have happened. Part of my recovery, and part of what I learnt today is that short term processing and looking at regrets is ok and might even be helpful. Long term it is unhelpful and pointless. The past is the past and however good it might be if it could, it can’t be changed. So why agonise over trying to change something that can’t be? There are a hundred sliding doors that could have led anywhere but the Baltic Exchange. I didn’t go through them. I accept that I can’t change that and I’m learning now that I can’t change things in any other, more personal, parts of my life. But I can change how I regard them. Part of my unhelpful way of dealing with regrets in the past made me want to beat the world up. The world included myself. I was the closest and easiest target and I have the ugly scars to prove it. The emotional scars are invisible but in their way more damaging.
The “teeth” belonged to someone I have previously savaged on this blog. I said a lot of things that were neither appropriate nor fair nor completely true. We talked about it today and it is a tribute to that person that she was able to talk about it calmly without punching my lights out! It is also a testament to her resilience and compassion that she was even able to talk to me at all after what I said on this blog. I accused her many times of not having compassion. I was wrong. I was allaying my own hurt by trying to hurt someone else. The explanation, but not excuse, is I had an illness that made me predisposed to do that. She showed much compassion and insight today. Today I recognised the person I fell in love with. That is part of the pain of surgery. That is part of the repair. It didn’t work out how I might have liked. But now I can remember it without intense pain. It is part of a process that brought me to where I am today and where I am today is generally better than it is for most. She pointed out to me today that people who know her would recognise her from what I’d written. If those people are reading this I was wrong and some of my memories were unfair and inaccurate.
In my life every silver lining has a cloud! Whilst driving she told me of another contemporary who has recently died. I missed some of the detail because I was driving. But to a large degree I “zoned out”. I was uncomfortable with what I was hearing so I refused to “hear” it. So now I’m left with questions. I am stronger than I used to be but not quite as strong as I need to be.
I went to the airport today. Paying for car parking I got the message “Thank you and drive carefully”. A good metaphor that I will follow.