Doing some clearing out (a rare event) I came across a few more scribbled poems from when I was ill.
The one I’m posting here was hard to decipher as the handwriting was all over the place. So it must have been written during one of the bad phases. From other notes with it, it is taken from something else I wrote many years before. It’s very rough and unrefined (as you might expect)but the emotion and context was very much part of my depression at times. It is emotion that I may finally be moving on from.
I watched your back, moving away, as dozens of times before
Only this time I didn’t know that you’d never be back. A goodbye
a farewell, left unsaid, just hanging,a loose thread
on a threadbare coat set to unravel repeatedly, forever.
It didn’t matter if it was a sad goodbye so long as I knew.
I needed to know that last sight of your departing back
was indeed the last. I needed to know it was farewell.
That promise of one more goodbye that was never said
is a scab that never heals, never fails to itch.
Not sure how you say goodbye to someone forever but
It has to be better than to lose all that with no goodbye
Abandonment, that’s how it feels, without farewell,
a pain like a hot poker to the heart, a final act of contempt,
not caring enough even to tell me you don’t care.
That begs the question of how we got here from where we were.
Where it was exactly we lost what seemed a certain path.
We both thought that the other knew where we were headed
but, truth is, we were just as lost as each other.
We had a map but it was of a land that we didn’t know.
How can it be that one goodbye not said
can eclipse a dozen subsequent hellos.
They say with every goodbye you learn; so what do you learn
how can you move on when there’s no goodbye?