Today I’m not good. Today, in fact, I’m a long way from good.This has not happened for a long time.
During the course of yesterday I started to feel mildly anxious. No big deal, I thought, it will pass. Today I have raging, gut churning, physically sick making, full-blown anxiety. It is not a pleasant feeling. It is not dissipating. I have an idea what might cause some mild anxiety. I have no idea at all what would cause the major anxiety attack. It is scary. Sitting on my shoulder is the little demon whispering that this is the beginning of a downward spiral; and I know where that heads. My regular reader will know that is a place I don’t want to go.
I have considered taking a diazepam. I still have a supply for emergencies. But it’s not really a good option. I don’t want drugs to become my first remedy. Also I have to go to work later, which is not an option if I’m “doped up”.
CBT is not going to do the trick as I don’t know what brought on the anxiety. Applied to the anxiety as a whole it’s not attractive. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh, I can spiral downwards, fail to function, become too sick to work, suicidal, rip parts of my body apart and generally have a miserable existence. Ditto for those around me. Yes, I know that isn’t a true reflection of CBT but suffice to say it’s not working for me.
I can hear the black dog scratching at the door. It’s been a bad day!