A Bad Day

Today I’m not good. Today, in fact, I’m a long way from good.This has not happened for a long time.

During the course of yesterday I started to feel mildly anxious. No big deal, I thought, it will pass. Today I have raging, gut churning, physically sick making, full-blown anxiety. It is not a pleasant feeling. It is not dissipating. I have an idea what might cause some mild anxiety. I have no idea at all what would cause the major anxiety attack. It is scary. Sitting on my shoulder is the little demon whispering that this is the beginning of a downward spiral; and I know where that heads. My regular reader will know that is a place I don’t want to go.

I have considered taking a diazepam. I still have a supply for emergencies. But it’s not really a good option. I don’t want drugs to become my first remedy. Also I have to go to work later, which is not an option if I’m “doped up”.

CBT is not going to do the trick as I don’t know what brought on the anxiety. Applied to the anxiety as a whole it’s not attractive. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh, I can spiral downwards, fail to function, become too sick to work, suicidal, rip parts of my body apart and generally have a miserable existence. Ditto for those around me. Yes, I know that isn’t a true reflection of CBT but suffice to say it’s not working for me.

I can hear the black dog scratching at the door. It’s been a bad day!

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5 responses to “A Bad Day

  1. I’m really sorry to hear this, there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better but I’m sending you a big two-arms-tight virtual hug if that’s any help. Keep your chin up x

  2. I’m sorry to hear this. Are things beyond the point where, whilst you are thinking of all the bad things that might/could happen, you can also consider that they might not? That the anxiousness is possibly unfounded, + that things will be OK? I say this not glibly, but as someone who has experienced anxiety to the point of also being prescribed (but not taking) diazepam. I too this morning, after weeks and months of being anxiety-free, awoke feeling anxious, if not to the same extent as you. I’ve been able to use tools/techniques I’ve learned + been taught, + it has largely dissipated. All I would offer here is that the narrative of anxiety doesn’t always have to follow the same course. Might it just be possible that things are OK? Wishing you all the best.

  3. Thanks for these comments. Deb it doesn’t sound glib at all. I feel that I’m rapidly approaching that point. The thing is the anxiety is so unpleasant at this level that straight thinking becomes difficult. It also reawakens all the times I’ve felt this anxiety before. The PTSD, the personal situations and so those feelings tap in as well. It doesn’t help that I also have a tendency to beat myself up for feeling like this.

  4. Samantha Ritchie

    Okay. Funnily enough, I’m struggling a bit at the moment. CBT will work. Not “what’s the worse that can happen?” Because then you are just creating “the worse that can happen”. BUT what IS happening RIGHT NOW…? Right now: you are writing your blog; you’ve maybe just had lunch; maybe you’re “running an errand” (I really hate that expression, but you know what I mean…); you are not letting anyone down, you are not (I hope) harming yourself. What you are feeling is just that – a feeling, a thought. How productive is that thought? And you’re anxious about the thought, not the reality. But guess what? That thought just went; it’s gone. Minds DO wander – to places we don’t want them to go. That’s just what minds do; wander. Yes, bad thoughts, bad feelings, but that’s all they are. Thoughts. Gone. Not reality. Not what’s going to happen, not what’s just happened, not what might happen – what IS happening. What are you touching? Where are you? What are you looking at? Who are you talking to? What are you listening to? RIGHT NOW. Anything else is not real. This may not help at all, but it’s what I’m trying… and it helps to take me away from the UNREAL thoughts. Go stroke the dogs (in the cleanest possible sense!!!). Giving my cat a good fuss always anchors me in the present moment, and is very, very calming. Animals are very useful… I’m with you, as are many others.

  5. Hey Guy, Dont let the demon on your shoulder get the better of you! Invest in some Rescue Remedy for emergencies … You can do it, put your back into it! X

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