Right, let’s get to the end of this particular part of the story. It has gone on a bit I know. But it is important to my story, and to telling it all, to get across how one person can influence a pre-disposal to illness.
So we carried on seeing each other as friends from time to time; with the other, friends with benefits, thing also from time to time. And the taboo on telling mutual friends continued. Which was a bit difficult for me as they were very long-standing and important friends. I think I now how have a better understanding of the reason for this and I will come onto that later. But it shows that a lot of her life has been led as a major deception on many levels.
She took to turning up at my work or my home unannounced. When she did this it is because she needed some strong emotional support. Which I willingly gave her even when it was inconvenient and uncomfortable for me. Actually, sometimes, it was positively unpleasant for me. Looking back it shows what a soft touch I was. I think many people who had been put through what she had put me through would have enjoyed telling her simply to fuck off! It never occurred to me to do so. The thing is this emotional support she needed was quite significant. And she told me things that I really did not want to hear. Things that had a massive resonance for me because of what had gone before. The most significant thing about much of this was the timing. These visits and outpourings occurred in the immediate aftermath of the Baltic Exchange. They were very hard for me to hear and even harder to process. I was already having difficulty with processing the Baltic Exchange, as I realise with hindsight. This extra burden just put me into a huge overload and the processing of the Baltic Exchange just never happened. This as much as anything was what predisposed me to the tidal wave that was to become the PTSD. But, it made me vulnerable and sensitised to a situation where I felt let down by people who should be looking out for me and to an even greater degree to a situation where I felt trapped. This was a particular pre-cursor to the PTSD from the Baltic Exchange. Finally, overloading me with her problems at a crucial time when she had no real right to expect such support from me.
Eventually I got tied up in another relationship and contact between us just drifted away. But then is by no means the end of the story. Some years later we had contact again through Friends Reunited. Her manner was chatty and “how lovely to be in touch again”. And then Facebook came along with regular reminders in my news feed because of our mutual friends.
When I started to become ill I was aware that there was a niggling issue around what had happened that was contributing. Most importantly around the single act of abuse I have not detailed. I now realise that there was also a degree of unresolved grief around another event that was more traumatic than I realised at the time. Anyway, I realised talking to her may be helpful so I sent her a message through Facebook which was ignored. After a couple of months I wrote again to say, with everything that had happened I did not think I deserved to be ignored. This got a response. An angry response. She described this as an “onslaught”. Over time I descended into my full-blown illness. This was centred around the PTSD and depression but at the back of my mind I still recognised there was that unresolved issue. On advice I wrote to her again. I explained how ill I was, what an absolutely horrible place I was in, that I was considered a suicide risk etc. I told her I needed to talk to talk with her to resolve at least that one issue. Her response was to tell me she had a good understanding of depression, that she knew how awful it must be for me but refused totally to even consider talking to me. It is a reaction I still don’t totally understand.
This has been incredibly hard to write and I have hesitated many times. But people whose opinions I value have suggested that I should as it is very much part of the whole story. On reflection, I think they are right. (On further reflection and review they may have been right but I have expressed it in the wrong way and deleted much) Finally, there is the nagging doubt that unresolved issue could still bite me one day.