Predisposition Part 2. Some more! (reviewed)

So, she left the country, not so much as a goodbye which I believe was intended as a punishment for my supposed wrong-doing. I found the refusal to say goodbye very hard for some reason. I think it was the lack of closure and the projection of hate it conveyed. I wanted her to look me in the eye and say goodbye!

But, having survived a near fatal overdose I at least started to get some treatment for my depression. I was in a bit of a trance for a few months and went through a kind of mourning process. But I got through that and began to get on with my life. I joined the fire brigade and loved it. My life changed in a lot of ways. But after a few years she came back and she got in touch. (A long 3 years cut very short in this paragraph!). Apparently, as I was to be informed later, this getting in touch was for my benefit!  At the time she first rang me I had just come out of a relationship so the timing was probably less than ideal. Anyway, we met soon after that and went for a drink. I have tried hard but I honestly can not remember how I felt about the build up to that meeting. I do know that she came back to my house but nothing happened in any sexual sense. On that first meeting and some subsequent meetings she did talk about our shared past and the gist was very much that everything that went wrong was my fault. Again, in retrospect, I am not sure how I let that go but maybe I still believed it. After that first meeting I did feel a little disorientated. It felt really odd to be in contact again with someone who had caused such unhappiness. Somebody who for a time I had dreamed of being reunited with but eventually I had gone through a type of mourning process for. I realised I could take her or leave her. She still had the things that I had found attractive in the first place but the bottom line was that I believed she had behaved badly. Why would I even consider contact with her again? Maybe I am just too tolerant and forgiving. Maybe I am a mug! To go back to the messing up my life bit. it was not just that though. I felt she had consciously, deliberately and in a premeditated act, violated me. She clearly had no remorse for that. This is the thing I mentioned in my last part of this story. I am still not ready to go into detail publicly. Maybe one day I will.

But we continued to see each other from time to time. Bumped into each other accidentally a couple of times. It was about 3 months before what I suppose was inevitable happened. (Ha! That sounds so bloody coy….Oh well, fill in the gaps yourself.) After that we saw each other with increased frequency, often, but not exclusively, on a platonic basis. I suppose we became what would now be called friends with benefits; although I am not sure that term accurately describes our situation. But here’s a thing. She asked that I kept it from our mutual friends that we were seeing each other on any basis. At the time I kind of put it down to the fact that she hated to admit she had previously made a mistake and that it would resolve itself in time. With knowledge that I got much later I actually think it was more ominous than that and I will come onto that.  But I went along with it. Goodness I was such a total doormat back then!

I still have not got to the end of this particular part of the story. Nor the main reason she predisposed me to PTSD. I find recounting this quite exhausting but I will finish the story very soon. Just not right now!

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