Predisposition Part 2. Continued. (reviewed)

Well, I think the earlier part of this may have been a bit garbled. It probably will not make sense until I have told all of this part of the story.

Going back to the painful relationship, things had been going well until out of the blue she made a difficult. Once again the exact nature is no longer important. Suffice to say it was difficult and it hurt and the timing was extremely poor. I struggled with it, it was reasonable to struggle with it. She never made allowances for this and a downward spiral began that no rlationship could have withstood.

But in the end, we reached a point where it was really over. We no longer saw each other and I began to come to terms with that, however unhappily. Then out of the blue she wanted to see me again. Her attitude towards me in the invitation and during the “encounter” was positive, loving and enthusiastic. But it was a prelude to something of abuse that absolutely tore me apart. I am not going into detail as it is still painful and embarrassing but I may if people ask me directly. Suffice to say it ripped me apart and left me with a legacy of depression, self loathing and inability to function properly for years afterwards. The point of this story is how this person predisposed me to illness. This more than anything else had that effect. It lowered my self-worth to a point that I believed I deserved absolute shit, it meant I could not deal with feeling trapped (hugely relevant for later PTSD) and it destroyed my trust in others.

The other area in which it predisposed me to illness was the reinforcing of the mask. I had opened up to this person in a way I had never done before. In return I received a fucking good emotional kicking. It taught me that the mask was needed. It taught me to hide my real emotions away, even from myself. This predisposed me to PTSD without a doubt. It also left a legacy where I believed I deserved bad things to happen to me. So I did not process these bad things. It was what I deserved and it was what was always going to happen.

But then she left the country for a few years. I knew this was going to happen. it was her intention when we met. For that reason I could hardly object to it. But that was before I became unhappy about some of the things in our relationship. It then became a bone of contention, particular as the idea of me going with her was unacceptable to her. So, as I say, she left the country and that should have been that. But she returned and contact was re-established with further negative effects.

What this also did was set the pattern for future relationships. Both of my next two relationships had issues to a degree with ex boyfriends and the second of these was physically abusive as well.

I will close this by quoting something a very dear old friend wrote to me yesterday. She was talking about the behaviour of someone she knew but also relates to my experience with this person. It sums up part of her attitude very well. ‘I recognise some behavioural patterns, particularly what amounts to “I feel guilty for what I’ve done, but I’m not going to let you express any righteous indignation, because that will make me feel worse. Instead I shall deny you your own emotions, and keep the power on my side. You shall feel worse, but I shall feel better, and that is what is important.” ‘

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